When church hurts, the wounds run deep and the cuts take awhile to quit bleeding before they begin to heal. Your soul wraps itself in a protective cocoon and everything church related reeks mildly radioactive if not full blown Chernobyl.
At times, I’ve been reluctant to lean into the hurt. If he were here, my counselor would say that I am cut off from my emotions—at least some of them. I suppose I have placed myself into a chrysalis, of sorts, in attempt to shield myself from further hurt.
Not always. Just some of the time.
After reading an article written by Aimee Byrd on Fathom, I found myself needing to peel back a few scabs.
Many years ago, when I taught a Sunday morning Bible class, one of my church friends looked at the class and said, “This should be a place where I could open up and tell you exactly what’s going on with me. But, the truth is I can’t. Not because I’m not willing to but because if I do you’ll never look at me the same again. It sucks that the one place I should be able to go and share the pain of my struggles isn’t as safe as it should be. It hurts. I can’t tell you how badly it hurts.” Then he got up and walked out.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2 ESV
My friend was right.
If you’ve followed my blog for more than a few minutes, then you likely recall the struggle Terri and I have had finding and committing to a new church home since leaving our former church here in Richardson.
I’d be lying if I told you that my church experience hasn’t left me disappointed and disillusioned. My relationship with God is still good. After all, my faith is in Him, not man.
That said—over the last couple of years, I’ve attended numerous counseling sessions, read several books, and prayed countless prayers all in the hopes of getting some answers to the spiritual pain Terri and I grapple with daily.
Our scars tell a story. They help us get to the truth, past our curated selves, showing us something much more beautiful. We learn from our stories. Our scars are a testimony.
Aimee Byrd
Beware of those who elevate themselves at your expense.
In our church journey, Terri and I have both experienced being made to feel “less than.”
To give you a better taste of our experience, let me share something that Terri and I experienced.
The senior pastor of the church where Terri worked referred to my wife as “Judas” when she wouldn’t go along with his request for health insurance that would have saddled our church with an unsustainable financial burden. As a veteran, he had access to health care and health insurance. We weren’t saying that he shouldn’t get more. Our church simply couldn’t afford it. Did I mention this is the same pastor who baptized us, officiated our wedding, and presided over my ordination into ministry?
And yes: it still stings, albeit less than it once did.
Our journey from there involves more of the same, although with a good dose of God’s goodness mixed into our spiritual recipe.
We found another church home. One where we thrived and flourished, until we didn’t.
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
John 13:35 ESV
Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety. No doctor can write a prescription for friendship and love: These are complex and hard-earned capacities. You don’t need a history of trauma to feel self-conscious and even panicked at a party with strangers – but trauma can turn the whole world into a gathering of aliens.
If you’re reading this hoping that we’ve discovered all the answers, I am sorry to disappoint you. We haven’t.
Maybe you’re reading this and you have some answers. Please feel free to enlighten us.
Spiritual hurt is real.
My purpose for sharing this is simple: I want you to know you’re not alone and you’re not imagining your spiritual pain.
We love to worship God.
Pray that we find a place to worship Him corporately should that be His will. Pray that the Holy Spirit would lead us and direct our path. Pray that we hold steadfast to Jesus.
I love coffee and I love Jesus.
Thanks for joining me at the table.
Know you are loved.
Rainer Bantau —The Devotional Guy™
The Devotional Guy™ 
I feel you, trust me. I put off writing this post for a good long while. Mainly, because I don’t want Terri to relive the pain of it. But also because I don’t want it to be a church-bashing session. However, we’ve got to talk about these things to heal and to do better. We love church. Unfortunately, church doesn’t always love back. Which breaks my heart for those who’ve found themselves on the left foot of fellowship. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
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oh don’t get me started!😅 so many stories🤪 I love coffee and Jesus too so maybe sometimes we can discuss. WAAAYYY too much to write. 💞 Bless y’all. I understand a bunch.
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Thanks for sharing this, Loring. We are imperfect people. It is sad. But, you’re right. We need to keep our trust in Him who is trustworthy.
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I understand all to well. You probably heard this but it is still the root of all problems in the church, ‘we’re all sinners.’ Yes, still no excuse. Just a fact. Heard of a story this past Sunday similar to your experience concerning financial means. This pastor left the church for not being able to get what he wanted. Sad. But the Lord knows about it, and He knows each of our hearts. Keep serving Him. You won’t be disappointed. God Bless!
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Thank you for your thoughtful response to my post and for taking the time to read it . We still want to belong to a local church community. We know that it’s important to us as followers of Jesus. But, like you said, it takes time. Some of it has been establishing and maintaining a rhythm of attending regularly. Some of it goes beyond that. I’m thankful that at work I direct our weekly church services, serve on our preaching team, and help lead Bible studies, but that’s all a function of the the homeless outreach ministry I work at. Long term, Terri and I need a local community. Thanks again for sharing your story. That takes courage.
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Hah! Those words resonated with me as well, David. Something in the water the past decade or so makes it seem like we are living in a very different world. Between the pandemic and politics, the world definitely seems more foreign at times.
Thank you so much for your transparency and vulnerability in sharing your experiences, as well. These things aren’t easy to talk about but I believe it’s important.
We have found a couple of churches that we like and are considering, but we have found it difficult to commit and even more challenging to establish a rhythm of attending. Some of it revolves around what’s involved in the membership process and the resulting expectations thereof. Terri and I try to honor our word, so we tend to be careful in making commitments we can’t keep. Like I told Sue in response to her comment—I’ve probably got enough for another post or two on this subject. But, I do believe belonging to a local church is important for us as Christians living what we say we believe. Thanks for your prayers, David.
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Thanks, Sue. I appreciate your willingness to share your journey. I believe that there are good churches—and I know it. Honestly, some of it falls on us now—we are slowing down the process. The explanation is probably another post’s worth of words (hah). Thanks for reading and sharing your experience.
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Sadly, your experience is not alone and that is why when we hurt each other in the body the hurts cut very deep. The betrayal, disappointment, shock…I think the Apostle Paul experienced and knew that and so his letters to the churches are full of instructions on how we should be with each other in Christ. The hurt is very real and our hearts need to heal. I was out of church fellowship for 12 years. I even vowed I would never set foot in a church again. It was a long process of recovery and healing in Jesus. God was patient with Me. His plan was to restore me into fellowship with other believers and God brought that about. When I went back into church though my healing journey still continued but this time with the help of others who loved and had the wisdom and knowledge to see the effect of the wounds. It is not easy to fully admit the depth of the pain and how we really feel but God is gracious. God knew the plans He had for me and God knows the plans He has for you and Terri. God will lead you. God will restore you into the right fellowship of believers. My advice is don’t rush the process (my 12 years was a bit excessive though) but let God lead and guide you. Keep soft hearts, forgive, bless and guard against the devil’s schemes. The devil will take advantage of those hurts, twist the knife, lie and make you feel guilty. It’s important to recognise his lies and avoid the traps. Don’t be pushed by well meaning others into going back into a fellowship too soon especially if the hurts are not healed but also don’t accept the situation for what it is. Actively acknowledge the hurts, their effects and allow the Lord to clean out the whole wound. That’s painful (I know from experience) but when healing comes it is a beautiful thing. Don’t let the desire or hope to be in a fellowship be extinguished. God will use this experience for the benefit of others. I’m a church leader now and I know that my experience has helped me be a better leader. God bless you both.
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“Trauma can turn the whole world into a gathering of aliens.” This fits some experiences from my life, brother. During the COVID pandemic, my wife and I ended up isolated (no pun intended) from good friends in our church. We both felt it was important to maintain social distancing and wear our masks in public, but many of our closest brothers and sisters in Christ didn’t share our sentiments. Things have healed over, mostly, but it will never be the same as before the pandemic.
Thank you for sharing your and Terri’s story. Showing such vulnerability encourages other to open up as well. Nancy and I will pray that you two can find a church how that truly values you and lets you use your gifts to serve God.
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I’m so sorry that you have been hurt by people who claim to love Jesus just as much as you do.
We had a rocky journey with a couple of difficult churches when our children were in elementary school/jr. high so believe me when I tell you, there are GOOD JESUS LOVING, LIVING LIKE JESUS churches out there.
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