Here Is Where We Are

Knocking on the doorstep of sixty, I didn’t expect to find myself here. But then I am grateful to be here at all, thanks to addiction recovery saving my life nearly thirty years ago. I could be long gone. Thankfully, by God’s grace I’m not. Instead, I’m beyond grateful to be alive and I look forward to the thirty years that lay ahead. I’ve dreamt of Terri and I celebrating our fifty year anniversary together—which would be in 2058 if you go by our wedding date—or 2050 if you go by when we first met. One things for certain—we will both be older by then.

Despite my current mental health conundrum, I am thankful for the life God has given me and optimistic about the future.

My therapist’s recent diagnosis revealing I am struggling with PTSD and Complex Bereavement, I’ve thought a lot about the words he used to describe the contributing factor to my current state:

PERSISTENT DESTABILIZING EVENTS

As a result, I am taking time off from work in order to focus on my well-being. My prayer is that being removed from the continuous triggers I experience at work will give me space for recovery, reflection, and healing,

PTSD develops after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. When these events are ongoing or occur repeatedly, such as in a challenging work environment or through continual exposure to others’ trauma, it can deeply affect our mental health.

Complex Bereavement centers on prolonged grief that goes beyond the normal mourning. Another person dies before you’ve buried and mourned the last one. This makes it hard to heal.

I’m actively exploring practices that foster emotional safety, restorative self-care, and gentle reconnection. Explaining how I am feeling is hard, especially given the reality that I find it difficult to speak in complete sentences. At the moment, my words, like my thoughts, are super fragmented and extremely choppy. Loud noises startle me and send me into a hyper-vigilant state. Everything gets intense as my brain scurries through an endless array of rabbit holes. Brights are bright, darks are dark.

Working in homeless outreach exposed me to considerable emotionally taxing situations. Persistent destabilizing events include:

• Constant exposure to the trauma and suffering of others. Constant. Never-ending.
• Repeatedly witnessing or hearing about life-threatening situations. Including being threatened with the taking of my life.
• Ongoing organizational challenges, that accompany growth like never enough resources or support no matter how generous people are to give of their time, treasure, and talent.
• Continuous changes or instability in your work environment. Perhaps this is the hardest of all—yep, harder than someone threatening to kill you. Sounds crazy, I know.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Having faced repeated and prolonged stressors that have significantly impacted my mental and emotional well-being, I am at my wits end.

I am grateful for a supportive wife and for an ever faithful God.

Here may not be where I expected to be but here is where I am.

Until my next post…

May you be happy. May you be strong. May you feel like you belong.

Grace and peace,

Rainer Bantau —The Devotional Guy™

The Stigma Stops Here.🛑

#mentalhealthmatters