You’ve heard it said…

Joy is contagious. Well, so is misery.

YES!!! Joy IS contagious. A smile quickly brightens a room. Laughter echoes beyond the present moment, lifting spirits and lightening hearts. But here’s the other side of that truth—misery is contagious too. After all, misery loves company.

We tend to underestimate the power of our emotional presence. Walk into a room filled with people laughing, and even if you don’t know the joke, you find yourself smiling. It makes us happy to see others happy. Joy is palpable, magnetic. Now picture walking into a room thick with tension, where frustration hangs in the air like fog. You feel it before a single word is spoken. Your shoulders tense, your mood shifts, and suddenly, before you know it, you’re carrying weight that isn’t yours. Misery is contagious too.

Why is that?

The Nature of Contagions

Emotions are like ripples that don’t stay contained within the borders of our minds or hearts. They move. They wander. Our emotions extend outward, influencing those around us. It’s not just a poetic idea—it’s biological. Mirror neurons in our brain cause us to subconsciously mimic the emotions and behaviors of others. That’s why yawns are contagious, why a genuine smile feels irresistible, and why negativity spreads like wildfire.

Mirror neurons are a distinctive class of neurons that respond to actions we observe in others. In addition to imitation, they are responsible for a myriad of other sophisticated human behavior and thought processes.

Acharya S, Shukla S. Mirror neurons: Enigma of the metaphysical modular brain. J Nat Sci Biol Med. 2012 Jul;3(2)

Misery’s Invitation

Self Portrait #9
©2025 Rainer Bantau
All Rights Reserved

Unlike joy, which typically invites us to rise, misery pulls us down. Misery doesn’t always come with open hostility or loud complaints. It creeps in subtlety—through a critical spirit, passive-aggressive comments, or constant cynicism—draining the life from conversations. Misery seeks agreement, looking for others to nod and say, “Yes, you’re right. Everything is terrible.” Misery craves validation.

Here’s the thing: misery doesn’t just want company; it thrives on it. The more people it gathers, the stronger it feels. It becomes a culture, a climate, not just an isolated emotion. It grows beyond its humble beginnings. Misery multiplies like a virus. Left untreated and unchecked, misery devours souls like cancer cells kill the body.

Choosing What We Spread

While we do not always control what happens to us, I used to believe we got to choose what we carry and what we spread. For example: Do we walk into spaces as a source of light, or do we add to the shadows? That’s our choice, right?

Recent experience has made me wonder if that’s completely true.

I don’t know that we necessarily choose what we carry. I didn’t choose PTSD or complex bereavement. It’s more like they chose me. But, I do, to some degree, believe I get to choose my response and whether or not I burden others with the things I carry.

And herein lies the problem…

Too often, we stay silent and keep our burdens to ourselves.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2 ESV

Being joyful shouldn’t be about ignoring pain or pretending life is always fun and happy. We need to make room for grief, frustration, and struggle. Pain is a real part of life and acknowledging our hurts is healthy. I believe there is much we learn in our doldrums.

The problem, I think, arises when we decide to live there. Camping out in misery creates an environment where hope gasps for breath. This leads to solitude and loneliness. It’s precisely in that sense of feeling all alone and overrun with despair that we choose to share our misery with others. This is not healthy or helpful.

Work in progress
©2025 Rainer Bantau
All Rights Reserved

How do we resist the pull of practicing contagious misery? Great question.

1. Practice Gratitude: A grateful heart shifts our focus from what’s lacking to what’s present.

2. Guard Your Company: Surround yourself with people who don’t feed your negativity.

3. Be the Disruptor: Be brave and offer a different perspective when you sense a conversation spiraling into bitterness and pity.

4. Reflect, Don’t Absorb: Protect yourself. It’s okay to empathize with someone’s struggle without taking on their emotional weight. It’s not yours to carry.

These things may sound easy, but in reality, they aren’t. We all have stuff. Life is one big dysfunction. Yet, we can experience joy, laughter, hope, and love in the midst of all that cumbersome misery circling around the drain waiting to suck us down into the abyss.

In the Wake of Our Presence

At the end of the day, you and I leave a mark on the spaces we enter. Whether in our homes, workplaces, or casual encounters, we are either planting seeds of joy or spreading the weeds of misery. Truthfully, in my present state, I’m often unsure which seed I’m planting. But, thanks to my wife and a loving support system, I continue tending to the garden of life God gave us.