Ich Bin Durcheinander

Decluttering…
Going through the mess,
the memories,
the dust of days I don’t even remember living
and there it was.

A note.
A piece of paper.
From my Vater. 
His handwriting—sharp, certain,
like he carved truth into the page.

He always did have exceptional penmanship.

He wrote:

It is the belief in oneself that is
the magic of life.

That’s it.
That’s the whole sermon.
No verse.
No chorus.
Just those words. 

I stared at my father’s paraphrase of Goethe,
feeling it echo through my bones
like an old hymn I forgot I knew.

Believe in yourself. 
That is the secret to success.

When did he write it, I wondered and I wondered if he wrote it for me… 
or for the man he was still trying to become?
Maybe both.
Maybe
every father writes his son a letter
he never finishes.

And me?
I’m still trying to read between the lines.
Still trying to understand
the parts he didn’t write down.

Even though my Vati is long gone from this world.

Sometimes, believing in yourself
looks a lot like surrender. 

Not quitting.

Not giving up.

Surrender.

Knowing you don’t have all the answers and that’s okay.

After all, no one is asking you to answer all the questions that the Universe holds.

Sometimes success feels like you’re standing in the ruins of your failures and simply taking a breath.

Ich bin durcheinander.

I am confused,
but not lost.
I am tangled,
but still moving.
I am learning
that being broken
doesn’t mean being done.

So yeah, Vater…
I found your note.

And I still believe in myself;
I’m still figuring out what good means,
one breath,
one mess,
one mercy
at a time.

Ich bin durcheinander…

I don’t have all the answers.
and that’s okay.

Until my next post…

Be salty, stay lit.

Rainer Bantau —The Devotional Guy™

You can now find my articles in The Christian Grandfather Magazine.

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