Discerning When Something Is Being Done For You Versus To You

Not everything that carries spiritual language is spiritually life-giving.

One of the quieter forms of discernment we have to learn, especially in our faith communities, is the difference between something being done for us and something being done to us.

At first glance, the two can look identical.

Both may involve care.
Both may involve leadership.
Both may claim good intentions.
Both may even use the same words: help, guidance, covering, accountability, discipleship.

We’re doing this to help you.

But they feel very different in the body and in the soul.

When something is done for you, you are treated as a person.

When something is done to you, you are treated as a problem to be managed, a risk to be contained, or a role to be shaped.

The difference is not always obvious at first, but over time, it becomes unmistakable.

When something is done for you

When care is offered for you:

Your voice matters
Your agency is honored
Your questions are welcomed
Your pace is respected
Your interior life is taken seriously

Even when the conversation is difficult, you feel seen.
Even when guidance is offered, you sense freedom, not pressure.
Even when correction comes, it feels rooted in love, not fear.

This kind of care makes room for growth.
It assumes the Spirit is already at work in you.

When something is done to you

When something is done to you:

Decisions are made without you
Your concerns are minimized or reframed
Your questions are labeled as resistance
Your complexity is treated as inconvenience
Unity is prioritized over truth

The language may still sound pastoral, but the effect is constricting, even diminishing.
You feel managed rather than accompanied.
Formatted rather than shepherded.

Over time, this kind of environment teaches you to:

Doubt your own discernment
Silence your questions
Override your conscience
Perform compliance instead of practicing faith

What is framed as care slowly becomes control.

Why this matters spiritually

Jesus’ ministry offers a striking contrast.

He invited rather than coerced.
He asked questions instead of rushing to answers.
He healed without demanding conformity.
He said plainly, “Follow me,” and allowed people to walk away.

Love, in the kingdom of God, is never imposed.

Scripture tells us,

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬ ‭ESV

Freedom does not mean absence of guidance. It means the presence of consent, dignity, and truth.

A word about discernment

Discerning this difference isn’t about cynicism. It’s about wisdom.

Sometimes what is being done to us is wrapped in spiritual language precisely because that language makes it harder to question. And many faithful people stay longer than they should, not because they lack faith, but because they are trying to be loving and faithful.

But love does not require self-erasure.
And faith does not demand the surrender of discernment.

Pay attention to what happens inside you:

Do you feel more alive or smaller?
More honest or more guarded?
More free to pray or more anxious to perform?

These are not selfish questions.
They are discerning ones.

A closing invitation

God often works for us in ways that draw us more deeply into truth, even when it’s costly. What is done to us, however well-intended, often asks us to abandon parts of ourselves God is still redeeming. Telling the difference is not disloyalty. Sometimes the most faithful act is simply naming, with humility and courage:
This no longer feels like something being done for me.

A Short Prayer

God of truth and freedom,
Give us wisdom to discern what nurtures life and what quietly diminishes it. Help us trust your Spirit at work within us, and grant us courage to remain honest with you, and with ourselves. In Jesus’ name. Amen.